Doug of the Distant Future

Written by Pat Tully

INT. LABORATORY - DAY 

SUPERIMPOSE: Somewhere in Nevada, 1977 

WORKERS IN UNIFORMS bustle about in a lab, when a METAL DOOR slides open and TWO SCIENTISTS, EVERETT, a young man, and NICHOLS, a young woman, walk through hurriedly. 

EVERETT

Is he back yet? 

NICHOLS

We have contact, but no sign of him yet. 

A MAN IN A SUIT approaches them and HOLDS OUT A BADGE. 

MAN IN A SUIT 

Dr. Everett. Dr. Nichols. I’m Agent Roland Graham. CIA. They said something on the phone about a vaporizer? Is that some kind of weapon?

NICHOLS 

Actually…no. They use them to relieve stres.

The MAN IN A SUIT is perplexed. Everett hurries over to a CONTROL BOARD. 

EVERETT 

He’ll be here any second now. We only have 90 seconds before the tear collapses, so we must be direct. 

AGENT GRAHAM 

What do you mean by “a tear?” 

CAMERA PANS to AN AREA BEHIND GLASS, where an EMPTY CHAIR sits under a BRIGHT LIGHT. Suddenly, FLASHES OF LIGHT AND ELECTRICITY happen around the chair for a few moments before.. 

It stops. DOUG, 20’s, in sweatpants and a Knicks jersey over a T-shirt, appears next to the chair. He is CHEWING GUM and wearing OVERSIZED SUNGLASSES. He is texting on an IPHONE. 

Everett runs over to a MICROPHONE by the glass.

EVERETT 

Doug?! Doug! Is that you?! 

DOUG (puts up a finger, still on his phone)

Hold up. Oh, this is gonna be good. 

Graham is terrified. He turns to Nichols. 

GRAHAM 

Who the hell is that? 

NICHOLS 

This is Doug. We created a tear in space-time and somehow, Doug found it. In the year 2021. 

DOUG (yells)

I keep forgetting about the goddamn Wi-Fi! This tweet would have absolutely lit up. 

EVERETT 

We’ve been over this. It’s 90 seconds. We just need answers. 

DOUG 

Alright, relax, man. Trust me, it’s not all that exciting. Enjoy smoking on airplanes, stuff like that. ‘Cause they take it away. But apparently, the lady next to you can have her poodle shit in your lap. 

Doug puts his phone away. 

DOUG (CONT’D) 

So, where were we? 

EVERETT 

Technology advances at an incredibly rapid rate, as you’ve said. 

DOUG 

Zuckerberg, bro. Wait’ll you guys see that movie.

EVERETT

Are there any downsides or flaws in these advancements we should know about?  

DOUG
(beat) Catfishing. 

EVERETT 

...catfishing? 

DOUG 

Oh, yeah, it’s scary stuff. A guy will be talking to a hot chick on the Internet, but something seems off, and then it’ll turn out to be Randall from Joe’s Auto Body or something like that. 

EVERETT 

Are you saying this technology allows people to change forms?! 

Everett looks at Graham. Graham whips out a NOTEPAD and starts WRITING FEVERISHLY. 

DOUG 

On the Internet, for sure. Never gettin’ fooled again, can promise you that.

GRAHAM 

Anything else you can tell us-

DOUG (cont’d_

Because getting that guy to leave after the mix-up. WOOF. I mean he didn’t mind - at all. Just hung out.

EVERETT 

Well, does this “Internet” have an impact on American political trends? 

DOUG 

What? Social media? Uh (chuckles) yeah, I would say so. 

Nichols walks over to the microphone. 

NICHOLS 

Doug, what can you tell us about movies and television? How have they changed in forty years? 

DOUG 

Well, there was this movie where this lady has sex with a fish dude and it won an 

Oscar. Take that as you will. 

GRAHAM (sarcastically) 

Wow. Great! That’s helpful! 

DOUG

Shit, I left my vape. Ahhhh. Son of a bitch, the pockets on these pants, man! 

A YOUNG SCIENTIST at his DESK turns around.

YOUNG SCIENTIST 

30 seconds! 

EVERETT 

Alright. Please, Doug. This could be the last chance we have to speak with you. Tell us - what is the focal point of the American economy in your time? 

DOUG 

It’s hard to just ‘dive in’ to crypto in that amount of time. 

GRAHAM 

Oh, Jesus. And what is that???? 

INT. LAB HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 

Through the HALLWAY DOORS, we see the FLASHING LIGHTS. GRAHAM then storms out, followed by EVERETT.  

GRAHAM 

Well, I don’t know if you heard, but we’re in for fish fucking and imaginary money. Close the tear for good. We...we gotta figure this out. 

Graham storms off. Everett SIGHS, then starts toying with a FIDGET SPINNER from his pocket, as ominous music begins to play.